Loosing Faith, fate and boys (Shamefully)

Well, Stef stopped at mine last night and to be honest with you, it was a good night. No tears, for once but still a good night. Hours of one tree hill as always! Jake is back! Woo! and then at 5 this morning we were rolling round in my little sisters double bed, laughing our heads of at Kite surfing and psycho boys taking knives, alocohol and mobile phones in to the woods at night. 'Cause we're nice.

I have lost all faith in the world today. I'm going to tell you about it because let's face it, this is just an online diary. Other people aren't meant to read your diaries but at the end of the day, nothing is private, so just post it online anyway, cut out the un necessary fuss. I thought I would write it all while it's raw...

I love helping people out and that is no secret to anyone. I could sit for hours and talk to people about their problems but I'm loosing faith in myself. Why do I always end up emotionally crushed. At the time I'm fine, but weeks down the line, months if I'm lucky, I have heard enough bad news enough sob stories and had my own stuff on top of that and it just gets on top of me. How can I ever persue a life in Psychology if I can't even hold myself together when it comes to petty teenage moans.

I told myself, when you loose faith, find the thing that made you gain the faith in the first place. I suppose that is the feeling I get when someone thanks me. When someone is truley grateful for what I've done. I don't get it all the time, but it's worth the wait. Then today, this lad I've met on holiday. He was so nice to me and we got along great and I've been trying to encourage him to take chances on life, you know, because he deserves it.

He's passed his GCSE's and got a job. He's met a girl at this job and he thinks she's beautiful. At this point my heart hit the pit of my stomach and I realised what I have done...I've got emotionally involved again and now I'm jelous of a girl who lives at the bottom of the country. Worst of all, he didn't thank me. So now, because I have been living the past month and a half with pretty much complete lack of sleep, I'm not in the mood to have some ungrateful boy, crush me, tell me about how beautiful this new girl is, and then try to convince me fate isn't real. Yes, this discussion is happening right now. It's one of those I get fired up on as well. Not a good combination.

It's just the way of the world isn't it...

"Good looking girls are like good looking boys, they pick you up and then when they dont need you anymore drop you."

That's what I told him. I didn't mean to be horrible to this girl, and discourage him from going and chatting to her, I was trying to let him know how I felt. Because it is true, good looking people get cocky real quick about how they look and they have their pick of relationships. It's the way of life, we have all come to accept it. And they drop you when the next one comes along. It's disheartening but I thought he was genuine you know...one of those that just before they get cocky still have that timid innocence. Pfft, as if. They're all the same.

Nobody told me when I was growing up it would be hard to find genuine people. Because as much as I believe he is a good person, he has that same streak every other person has. He's like Haley from One Tree Hill, my mate Stef will know what I'm on about.

The most funny thing about this is, I don't 'love' him or whatever you crazy kids call it, my stomach doesn't turn to butterflies, I don't think about him constantly, but there was something there that I thought we could build on, a friendship thats just a tid bit stronger...obvsiously not. To think I pride myself in not bothering over boys.
He lives too far away anyway.

So there you go, that's how today I got emotionally squashed.

I just don't know why I try sometimes. People are ungrateful, selfish, narrowminded and scared to believe in things they can't understand. Yet, I want to devote my life to helping these people out. I should hope the world changes itself before too long.

I need some Red Bull or Coffee I think. Always makes me feel happier =/ Might stick to Red Bull, already got coffee breath Yuck!

Haha, just brilliant...we're out of Red Bull, what do people expect me to survive on!? Coffee it is. Don't think we have much milk left...brilliant, an excuse to drink it black.

You know what, I'm not going to let this dishearten me, I will feel bitter today but tomorrow, after a good sleep I will feel better and go back to craving that appreiciated feeling, doing what I can to get it, helping everybody else - it's all a bit selfish really isn't it.

"Trouble travels fast, when you're specially desgined for crash testing." - Jack Johnson. I think that's me. I think I have possibly created myself as a crash tester. Taking people's problems and thinking of way's to set it all okay again, that's asking for trouble isn't it? Maybe fate made me this way on purpose, but a very true and interesting insight from good ol' Jack. Musical legend.

Haven't heard of him? Listen to 'Inbetween Dreams' and his latest album 'Sleep Through The Static.'